Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Yes I'm Still Alive

*Warning* This blog post will probably be depressing. Just my thoughts on shit that's going on. Sorry if you were looking for something more formal? Is that the word I'm looking for? Either way. Probably nothing completely interesting.

Obviously I'm still alive. I did get better. Haven't really been able to just sit down and type something out. I did find some interesting stuff. Just didn't think about blogging about it. I half don't want to post about what's going through my head right now but I need to get it out. I have a bad habit of keeping shit in and letting it eat me up.

So yesterday when I got up my sister told me that I needed to tell Mom if I was going to go to lawn bowling or not. I hadn't gone the last couple times because I was sick or just didn't feel up to it. Yesterday I still wasn't feeling up to it so I texted Mom telling her that I wasn't going to go so she didn't have to drive by and pick me up after picking up Grandpa. I just did my normal thing of sitting on Gaia and looking up random stuff. I forget what I was reading yesterday. Oh yeah I was in a friend chat yesterday and playing on Sims Social. Yesterday was a slack off day. But I had noticed that Mom hadn't come home at the time we usually would have after dropping Grandpa off. So I thought that she stopped over at one of her friends' houses like we had done the last time I had gone with them. I finally get a text from her after midnight that she was on her way home and was going to explain. I was thinking "Ok? Explain what? That you went over to a friend's house after? Why would you need to explain that to me?" So she finally gets home and does her usual thing and then walks into my room. She was all "What? No why are you home after lawn bowling so late?" I was thinking she was joking around, giving me a hard time because I didn't go to lawn bowling. I told her that she said she was going to explain so why did I need to ask. Then she just looked at me. I'm still thinking she's playing around so I half mockingly asked why she was home so late. That's when she told me that Grandpa had been taken to the hospital. I still don't know exactly when. All I know was that it was sometime before Mom went to go get him for lawn bowling because she had gone to go get him and he wasn't there. I'm still not sure if I even have the full story of what's going on with him. What I have is that he was having bathroom issues and at the hospital they took a CT and found lesions on his brain. I only found out a couple hours ago that "cancer" had been mentioned. And my mom wasn't even talking to me when she had said that. Today she dragged me to the hospital to go see him. I didn't want to go because hospitals make me antsy and dizzy and that whole avoidance thing. I didn't want anything to do with what was going on. But I ended up going anyway. Afterwards, Mom wanted to go over to one of her friends' house. So we stopped so she could talk to him. It was when she was talking to the adults that were there (the one women has two younger boys) that she mentioned that cancer had been thrown out there. My thoughts were "What? Couldn't just give it to me straight? Or do you think I'm only good for ranting about other shit to?" My mom had gone on a ranting tirade about some of the stuff my aunt was saying while they were all at the hospital yesterday instead of telling me everything that had gone on with Grandpa. So yeah. We're still waiting to figure out what's going on. The doctors lost the CT results.

Well now that I've got that all out I'm just going to crank up the music and find something to distract me. Maybe I'll play some Pokemon. Or paint my nails. I've been wanting to paint my nails for a few days now. I think I'll do that.

Well if you did read through this whole post, I'm not looking for sympathy. I just needed to get it out. Like I said back in my O.O Why Haven't I Posted Anything? post I try to avoid things. I also try to keep things in so I don't feel like I'm just being a burden to others. I'm trying to get things out instead of keeping them bottled and eating me from the inside.

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